Feelings And Thoughts For A Lost Raven
by Rissa Leigh
Summary: Things take a turn for the worse when a mission goes bad. Beast Boy is caught between a rock and a hard place. I'm awful at summaries, *Warning: Bloody scenes, Suicidal thoughts, and Death.* Please Review!
1. Losing Her Hurts

Hello, this is just a little one-shot that popped into my head. Rated T for suicide/suicidal thoughts, death, language, and possibly other things. Also, I haven't had anyone read this, so if there's mistake or spelling issues I'm sorry, normally I'd have Microsoft Word to fix it for me, but that's acting up right now so I have to use Wordpad. That I know of Wordpad doesn't have spell check on it so I'm on my own. Also, I realize my style isn't consistant, between present writing and past writing, I tried fixing it the best I could, but it was a little difficult.

Don't like it? Don't read it.

Disclaimer: I don't own Teen Titans.

~*RissaLeigh*~

PeaceLoveBandgeeks

The sky remained calm, people say there's a calm before a storm, but in this case it's a calm after one. The four remaining titans walked to their unmoving team mate. Two bodies laid on the ground in the entire area of the forest that the battle was fought on. One of them was a team mate's, the other an enemy's.

"Raven..." A bloodied Beast Boy kneeled down to the pale girl, who was resting in a puddle of her own blood, if only it could be called resting though, tears slowly fell down his cheeks, "She looks so, fragile, and small. I can't believe that this..." He trailed off, the team agreed, it's weird to see Raven not looking tough or indestructable. They didn't have time to discuss it though. Cyborg went to Beast Boy and put a hand on his shoulder.

"We understand, BB." He leaned over and picked up the lifeless body of not only his team mate, but his surrogate sister. He couldn't remember the last time he felt so close to anyone, but with Raven gone, he didn't think he ever would again. Starfire wiped tears away and Robin tried staying composed, being tough, like the leader he is. He tried not to think about how Raven was the one who helped him through a lot, who was one of his best friends, how he was the one who shared a special bond with her. He kept those thoughts down for later, when he could let them out in private, and not make this any worse than it already was. Cyborg held onto Raven gently and walked towards Robin and Starfire. "Come on, BB, we gotta get back to the tower."

Beast Boy slowly raised himself up from the ground, he looked around this place and saw the body of who caused this all. Mad Mod, he'd done this. He went to far in all these stupid games and his teaching the "kids" a lesson and he'd caused Raven's death. Beast Boy let out an animalistic roar as he ran to the corpse and kicked it with such forced that it flipped over. He breathe heavy, quicks breathes and stared down at the white haired old man. If looks could kill the man would be repeatedly brought back to life and killed again. The green changeling turned on his heels and walked to the rest of his friends, they just stared. No one said it, no one had the heart to say it. They all knew how much the green boy loved Raven. How he could see through all the bad things she thought she was and see her true self. How no matter if he had said she was creepy, or weird, he still loved her with every ounce of his soul. Starfire wrapped her arm around his shoulder and they all returned to the tower.

It had been a few weeks since Raven's death. Everyone was still sad, Starfire could hardly fly, she was feel so lost without the only other female member of the team. Know happy thoughts could enter her mind at all. She missed her so much and longed to go shopping with her, even though she was positive Raven would have said no it would have still been joyful to just knock on her door and ask her to join her at the mall of shopping and go get the paints for their toes and fingers at a place she recently learn was called a nail salon. Actually, thinking back on it, she'd learned the word from Raven. She yearned even more to just sit on the roof and meditate with the deceased girl. She'd felt closer to her then, than she ever did any other time, even though they rarely meditated together. So that's what she did. She sat on the roof, unable to hover with her useless powers, and repeated Raven's words.

"Azarath, Metrion, Zinthos. Azarath, Metrion, Zinthos." The orange girl felt tears on her cheeks, even though she was in a serene state.

Cyborg kept to himself in his workshop. He tinkered with his car, and added on random things, that honestly they could do without. Anything to keep him from thinking about Raven. He'd felt protective over her since the beginning of the team. It wasn't protective for the reason that he had romantic feelings for her, but protective for the fact that he loved her, as a sister. She was the closest thing he'd ever had to a sister, the closest thing he'd ever had to family, excluding the team of course, and so with her gone, he just didn't want to think about it. He kept himself busy, completely on autopilot, only going to his room to recharge. Which was rare since he'd found a way to minimize his power use without affecting his abilities or changing any of the basic or otherwise not basic things that he did. Right at that second though, he was working on something that the city had cautiously asked him to build. It was a memorial for raven, nothing super fancy, they just wanted him to put together a small electronic shrine for her. It could be put in the park, and if someone happened upon the shrine they could push a button on it, and be told the stories of everything Raven had ever done for the city, just something to show how much they had appreciated her services, and very few pictures of the pale girl, which in each showed her reluctance for the picture in the first place. The human half of his head cried while he did this, the pictures brought up fond memories of Raven, that he didn't feel ready to remember yet.

Robin coped the way he did with everything, he stayed locked in his room, looking over past articles of all the fights they'd ever been in. But honestly, his mind wasn't on any of the things he'd been looking at. They were on the fight that had happened, the one where raven was killed, and being just like himself, he was going over all the possibilities, everything all of them could have done, to prevent what had happened. He saw it all, everything brutally clear and fresh in his mind. Scrutinizing every detail.

The Titans had chased Mad Mod half way across town and into the woods. It was routine, they finished up with the bad guys silly game and now it was all a matter of catching him and taking him to jail. Cyborg and Beast Boy would go front and distract him, while Robin and Starfire came from each side, and Raven came from behind to go in for the catch. Well that's where it went down hill, Beast Boy had pounced Mad Mod and Starfire, Cyborg, and Robin were all throwing punches, powers, and beams at him. Raven was right there ready to encompass him with her power when he turned, he saw her, and he leapt for her. He connected with her and brought her down, he leapt up to face the other Titans, but looking back Mod saw that Raven was getting back up. That's when he threw his cane. It had such force and Raven wasn't prepared for it that it went through her sternum and out the other side, through her back. Mad Mod didn't care though, he ran towards her and grabbed his cane, pulling it out he ran. It started raining then, and Raven was laying there, motionless. Most of them were stunned, but Beast Boy was enraged, he transformed into a cheetah and ran after Mad Mod, he tackled him down and just kept clawing at him, not his face, but his stomach and chest. It was a bloody mess. They all joined back up, no one cared that Beast Boy just killed someone, all that mattered was Raven was dead. It was too much for her to heal, and she bled out too fast, if Mad Mod hadn't have pulled out his cane maybe she'd have had a chance, but even then, it went through her heart. It wasn't likely that that would have helped either. At this point it stopped raining, everything went calm, and they stood there, staring at their lost team mate.

Robin growled to himself and threw the papers across the room. He put his head in his hands, and for the first time since what happened, he cried. He bawled his eyes out. He'd never get to see Raven again, never get to hear her voice, or make battle strategies with her, or just talk over a nice cup of tea. He enjoyed doing that. On occasions he and Raven just sat together and talked, while drinking tea. Of course it was nothing too deep. Nothing too emotional, because of how Raven's emotions were, but it was nice for each of them just to be able to have someone to talk to about their day. She was the only one who he actually told how he felt about Starfire. Everyone probably knew, but she was the first he'd told. He slipped off his mask and wiped his eyes. After carefully putting the piece of fabric back on, he went to the kitchen and prepared himself a cup of herbal tea.

Beast Boy sat in Raven's room with one of her books in his hand. He had locked himself in Raven's room, never leaving unless for getting something to eat, then he would only leave at night so the risk of running into one of the others was less. He was the one who'd been hit the hardest from Raven's death. He had sunk into a depression and wanted nothing to do with anyone else. He knew she would hate it if she knew he was in her room, but he wanted to be close to her. He laid on her bed, head on her pillow, and just tried to collect all the great memories they had had together and think only of those. But he couldn't. His mind remained on the fact that it was all too late. He stayed, frozen in place, where he was just a few weeks ago. Kneeling beside Raven's lifeless body and simple thoughts running through his head.

_ I was too late._

_ I could kiss her, but she wouldn't feel it._

_ I could show her how much she means to me, but she wouldn't see it._

_ I could tell her I love her, but she wouldn't hear it._

_ All because I was too late. All because I was a coward and couldn't tell her to her face._

_ Now it's too late. I'll never get to tell her. It will always be my biggest regret._

Another regret he had was calling her creepy. Even though he appologized, he still, in his heart, always felt awful for even thinking that.

_You could tell her._

The though left as quickly as it had entered. There was a way wasn't there.

_You could still see her again. You could tell her. You could hold her. You could kiss her!_

He froze. He sat up and put his legs over the edge of the bed. Looking at the floor he realized it was true. If he went where she was, he could tell her everything and hold her, hug her, kiss her. The simple things he could have done weeks ago that were now impossible. He felt in his pocket and pulled out the razor he had slipped in there earlier. He found in on Raven's desk, and quickly wondered how much of her pain she was really masking. It would be easy, he could just cut his veins, bleed out like she did, and see her again so soon. It'd be like falling asleep and dreaming yourself into bliss. He was completely prepared for it when a shimmering image appeared in front of him.

"You idiot. Tell me you aren't that weak."

Beast Boy gasped at the heavenly voice.

"Raven?" He asked, and there she stood. Dressed in blue with just a silvery glow about her. He jumped up off the bed and took a few steps, to stand just inches before her.

"If you are seriously that weak, don't even concider yourself a friend of mine."

Her words hurt him, he flinched and frowned at what she said, "But Raven, I just. I want to be with you, I don't want you to leave."

"And you think I do?" She asked, she shook her head and pulled down her hood to reveal her amazing amethyst eyes, "I don't want to leave you guys either Beast Boy. But that doesn't mean I want you here with me. You still have a duty to the city. Keep fighting, idiot. Besides, how would the others feel if they'd lost two team mates in one month? I'm fine. You wouldn't beleive how amazing it is anyway. I don't have to worry about my powers, about my emotions controlling my life, about my father... I can just be me. And I can say this. I love you, Beast Boy." She smiled when she said this, Raven, the girl he loved and had always thought the frown on her face was permanent, actually smiled.

"I love you too Raven." He leaned in and, for a split second, their lips touched, and he felt it. It was quick though, innnocent, and she quickly vanished, he was left standing alone in her room, with the razor in one hand, and her book in the other. He was stunned but found himself after a few minutes. He tossed the razor aside and left Raven's room. Robin, on his way to make his tea, saw him and looked shocked.

"Beast Boy?" He asked.

"Robin." He said, a small smile gracing his lips for the first time in a long time.

"You okay?" Robin asked.

"I think I am. What are you doing?" Beast Boy walked over to his friend.

"I was just going to make some tea."

"Oh, well, could I have some too?"

"Of course, come on."

The two of them walked into the kitchen, where they found their other friends as well. They all shared a cup of tea, and for once, talked together, as a team, about what had happened and what all they were feeling, since Raven's death.

Okay so I couldn't bring myself to write the ending I actually wanted, so sue me. I think I'm gonna add it as another chapter and just call it the alternate ending. By the way, I loooove reviews :) Just thought I'd tell you that, in case you might feel some weird need to, oh I don't know, express your thoughts about this story in some sort of way that starts with an R? Right below here is a really cool new review thingy too, so feel free to type in it and all.

Also, I'm a little bit of a noob here, well not really. I've been reading stories here for a long time, but this is my first (Finished) published story on here. So sorry if I did something wrong or got the rating wrong or something. Tell me about it and I'll try and fix it. I also heard about this cool Beta Reader (?) thing, anyone care to tell me about that?

~*RissaLeigh*~

PeaceLoveBandgeeks

*Pic for the cover of this story belongs to dou-hong, on Deviantart.

dou-hong . deviantart . com (Take out the spaces) *


	2. Alternate Ending

Okay, so here's my alternate ending, I wanted the story to truly end this way, but it didn't feel right not having it end on a semi-happy ending. Like I said before, rated T for the whole suicide/suicidal thoughts, death, and language, well actually not really language. There wasn't any harsh language in here. there might be though, I'm not sure yet.

Don't like it, don't read it. If you don't like it, I don't know why you're on the second chapter, buuuuut, moving on.

Disclaimer: I don't own the Teen Titans, I only own this sort of cheesy plot.

~*RissaLeigh*~

PeaceLoveBandgeeks

Beast Boy sat in Raven's room with one of her books in his hand. He had locked himself in Raven's room, never leaving unless for getting something to eat, then he would only leave at night so the risk of running into one of the others was less. He was the one who'd been hit the hardest from Raven's death. He had sunk into a depression and wanted nothing to do with anyone else. He knew she would hate it if she knew he was in her room, but he wanted to be close to her. He laid on her bed, head on her pillow, and just tried to collect all the great memories they had had together and think only of those. But he couldn't. His mind remained on the fact that it was all too late. He stayed, frozen in place, where he was just a few weeks ago. Kneeling beside Raven's lifeless body and simple thoughts running through his head.

_ I was too late._

_ I could kiss her, but she wouldn't feel it._

_ I could show her how much she means to me, but she wouldn't see it._

_ I could tell her I love her, but she wouldn't hear it._

_ All because I was too late. All because I was a coward and couldn't tell her to her face._

_ Now it's too late. I'll never get to tell her. It will always be my biggest regret._

Another regret he had was calling her creepy. Even though he appologized, he still, in his heart, always felt awful for even thinking that.

_You could tell her._

The though left as quickly as it had entered. There was a way wasn't there.

_You could still see her again. You could tell her. You could hold her. You could kiss her!_

He froze. He sat up and put his legs over the edge of the bed. Looking at the floor he realized it was true. If he went where she was, he could tell her everything and hold her, hug her, kiss her. The simple things he could have done weeks ago that were now impossible. He felt in his pocket and pulled out the razor he had slipped in there earlier. He found in on Raven's desk, and quickly wondered how much of her pain she was really masking. It would be easy, he could just cut his veins, bleed out like she did, and see her again so soon. It'd be like falling asleep and dreaming yourself into bliss. He couldn't stand to live without her. Everyday living in the agonizing pain of knowing her was never going to see her beautiful face again, never going to hear her wonderful voice, or never going to see her just sitting in the corner, while everyone else argued, silently reading a book. What seemed like something simple, actually something complicated because the whole time she had to let nothing get to her. She had to constantly keep control of herself so she wouldn't unleash her powers and have something happen to someone or something and it be her fault. Until now he never really thought about how she always seemed calm and peaceful, when inside she was probably fighting for control of her emotions, especially when the team was fighting around her, making her mad.

Beast Boy sighed and looked at the razor. _I can hold her and tell her, in a few short seconds, that's all it takes._ He grabbed a piece of paper and decided he better tell the other Titans what he's doing. He jots down a quick note and goes to slip it under the door.

_Hey guys. I'm sorry to do this to you, I really am, I just... I can't live without Raven. she all I think about, she engulfs all of my dreams. I want to be with her, only her. I'm really sorry about this. But I have to do this._

He slipped the note under the door and walked back to the middle of the room. He knew they would find it eventually, for the most part the Titans avoided Raven's room, but there were some instances where they had no choice but to at least pass by. He gently sat Raven's room on her bed and held out one of his arms. He clenched his teeth and slid the razor vertically up his arm. He hit a vein and blood came slowly pouring out. He did the same with the other arm and the razor slipped, through his fingers, to the floor. He let his arms fall to his sides and felt the blood flow a little faster. The green changeling smiled, his first smile since Raven died, as he felt the world spin and he grew cold. Everything went blurry and he barely felt it as his body crashed to the floor, landing in a pool of his own blood. His purple clothes were drenched in scarlet and everything was slowly fading to black. When his body took it's last breath and his heart gave out from blood loss and stopped bleeding. His brain stopped thinking and soon he was in a dark nothingness. For a few moments he was in complete peace, he couldn't think, he couldn't feel, there was just nothing. Then, there was a blinding light. He was on his back, but he was also in the air, his arms were stretched out and so were his legs. When everything cleared slightly he could feel himself floating upwards. Then, in the last few moment, he saw Raven, looking down at him, waiting for him to join her. A smile graced her lovely, pale face, and he knew. He was going to get to finally tell her how he felt, he was going to get to hold her, and kiss her. But most of all he knew, everything was going to be okay.

Well I hope that was okay with you guys. I have mixed feelings about this, and I haven't (devotedly) watched Teen Titans in so long. I know they are way OOC right now but sorry. Please review!

~*RissaLeigh*~

PeaceLoveBandgeeks

*Pic for the cover of this story belongs to dou-hong, on deviantart

dou-hong . deviantart . com (Take out the spaces)*


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